Bag O’ Crap XXIV: It’s a Crapful Life

T’was the Night Before Christmas
and all through Woot Tower,
the staff seemed to be cross
and they grumbled and glowered.

“What’s wrong, there?” called The Boss
from his executive suite.
“You better get merry
or you’re gonna get beat!”

“No, The Boss, we’re sorry!
There’s just so much stuff!
We’ve got six hundred mousepads
we have to clean up!”

“The ones with the eagle?”
said The Boss from on high.
“Maybe I’ve been too harsh
on you hard-working guys.”

The Boss looked in his pocket
(all satin and silk)
and pulled out his fancy watch
that he had custom built.

“It’s not yet midnight
in the Central Time Zone!
Maybe there’s still a way
we can get you guys home!”

“Home for Christmas?” they yelled
with excitable glee.
“Oh, our wives and our children
would us love to see!”

“Well let’s get right to work!”
said The Boss with true grit.
“I’ll roll up my sleeves
and help out with this sh-

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE UPDATE: SANTA NOW TRACKED TO BE CLOSE TO YOUR SPECIFIC NEIGHBORHOOD. ALL CHILDREN SHOULD PROCEED TO BED. STAY TUNED FOR FURTHER UPDATES AS WARRANTED.

“Oh, sir, you can’t say that!”
the workers explained.
“Naughty words on the Internet
make our customers faint!”

“Aw, darn it all!” said The Boss,
his heart full of disdain.
“Maybe we should just leave
this stuff out in the rain!”

Just then was a rustle
And the sound of some deer.
All rushed to the window
To see what was now here.

“Ho ho!” came the sound
of a voice deep and low.
Then a brief pregnant pause.
Then finally a soft “Ho!”

“Santa!” cried the workers
as they ran to the sled.
“I want a Robosapien!”
“I want pistachios instead!”

“I want a Mustek camera!”
“A wrist radio’d be good!”
But Santa walked quickly to
where The Boss sadly stood.

“Oh, Santa,” said The Boss,
“I just have too much stuff!
I’d get rid of it cheaply
But my language is too rough!”

Santa gave a big smile,
pulled The Boss on his lap,
and whispered three simple words:
“Stocking of Crap.”

The Boss leaped in the air
as though shot from a gun
“Everyone to the warehouse!
We’ll have so much fun!”

And they packed through the night
with traditional rules
(that I’m sure you recall
for you’re surely not fools).

YOU’LL WASTE MONEY ON SHIPPING
IF YOU DON’T ORDER THREE
YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR PICKING
YOUR OWN QUANTITY

YOU HAVE TO PICK 3
AS THE AMOUNT WE WILL SEND YOU
YOU’LL STILL GET JUST ONE BAG
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO

BUT THE CRAP THAT’S INSIDE IT
IS WHAT YOU’RE SELECTING
AND YOU’LL WISH YOU GOT THREE
IN POST-PURCHASE REFLECTING

So make The Boss happy
And help us clear out our business
And all of us here at Woot
wish you guys Merry Christmas.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v2.0:

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond one bag of some kind and your chosen quantity of crappy items (which should be THREE).

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on anything but your own inattention.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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